Inspired by my friend's blog, somehow.

Things are starting to fall apart. Truths came out, it feels like everything I have done is useless. But then again, I want to trust him. And I believe in Him. I'll fight because that's what I do best: not knowing when to give up. That's what majoring psychology tells me: smile smile smile smile smile.

I am nothing, compared to them. Of course I am.

I don't work in an awesome company and still go to school.
I don't know anything about physics or maths, I basically failed them.

I don't speak English so fluently.
I don't build awesome buildings.

I'm not beautiful. I'm not smart. My IQ isn't that high.
I'm not really nice, I'm socially awkward.
I don't play piano nicely, nor guitar. I don't sing so gracefully.
I don't have the talent to hit all the right spots.

I am nothing, compared to them. Of course I am.

But I love you.
I am the girl whom your mother adore for growing up with distant parents and stay still "on the right track".
_{(she may not really like me but at least that's what she always tells me)}
I am the girl who bake diabetic desserts and use eggs as few as possible.
I am the girl whose lips you kissed for the first time, whose hand you held, whose arms are always open for you.
I am the girl who majors psychology for you and you only.
I am the girl who is still trying to understand you, to accept you, despite everything you say, despite everything they say.
I am the girl who sings and plays violin for you.
I am the girl who smiles and prays for you.
I am the girl who wants to trust you and stay faithful to you.
I am the girl who is trying to be the best for you.
I am the girl who stood by you when you were standing at the crossroad. And will always stand by you.
I am the girl who made a promise to you and whom you made a promise to.

I am nothing compared to them. But I am your only Fuyu, I am the girl who loves you, and that's a promise to your heart.

This is mid-March, so it's time for another birthdays post.

March 16, 2012
Razan's birthday is actually on the 15th. But March 15 was a weekday, so I went to Surabaya on the 16th instead. IT WAS AWESOME. I arrived at his place at around 7:30 in the morning and his friend let me in. Then he knocked on his door.

And he was like O_o with his sleepy face and all.

He was about to get angry, I think. But he didn't, lol.

He taught me how to use scalpel and tensimeter--whatever it's called in English. Then we went to his college. It was awesome. Then we went to Tunjungan Plaza because he had an appointment with his friends.

But then my fever struck in. He gave me paracetamol and stayed there when I tried to sleep (since he forced me to sleep lol). Then he went to the station with me and I went back to Bandung again.

March 20, 2012
Pure awesomeness. He called me at 12 am and said happy birthday. My classmates sang happy birthday to me. When I got home, I realized that someone got into my room. The TV screen said that I have to press play. When I pressed play, my friends came out from my bathroom and they brought a cake.

My first birthday cake ever that I got from my friends. And the first surprise too.

At 11:59 pm, he sent me a video of him singing happy birthday on his guitar.

But the best birthday present I got that day is the fact that he is trying to plan something for his future. And he is sharing that with me. And he is trying to includes me in it.

Long story short, it was awesome. Awesome.

Razan, Dara, Divo, Norin, Aya, Ina, thank you for the gift. :) (oh, and You too, God)

Aku tidak bisa jadi kayak kamu. Atau kayak teman-temanmu. Aku, sebagai orang "luar", suka sebel liat orang-orang yang "selevel" sama kamu. Well, atau memang mereka yang "selevel" sama kamu yang ada di sekitar aku nyebelin, haha.

Tapi aku orang "luar". Aku mungkin nggak se-worthy mereka. Apalagi buat kamu. Makanya aku jadi sebel sama mereka. Mungkin karena itu.

--

Aku: aku gagal, aku pengen ngulang. Gimana?
Kamu: terserah sih. Tapi kamu mau jadi ibu rumah tangga kan? Yang ini bakal lebih berguna daripada yang itu.
...
Aku: emangnya kamu mau istri kayak gimana? Nggak mau nikah sama yang anak itu juga?
Kamu: ibu rumah tangga. Yang bisa diajak diskusi macem-macem, masak makanan karbo non-nasi, bisa ngurus anak...

--

Aku: mungkin nggak sih, aku di sini, buat jagain kamu dari "dalam"? Dan kamu di situ buat jagain aku dari "luar"?
Kamu: mungkin aja.

--

Kamu: masih bingung sebenernya, mau ambil apa.
Aku: nggak jadi ambil anu?
Kamu: kalo gagal, bebannya berat...
Aku: pernah kepikiran nggak, aku ditempatin di sini buat bantuin kamu ngelewatin itu?
Kamu: mungkin. (kamu tersenyum di bagian ini, karena akhirnya bisa ketemu!)

--

Mungkin aku cuma cari alasan karena aku tidak terima aku di sini dan kamu di situ. Mungkin juga aku terlalu insecure ada di sini dan kamu di situ. Tapi kamu bilang, mungkin itu alasannya. Kamu tersenyum.

Aku (mau) percaya!

P.S. Tau kok, alasan "dari hati" emang penting. Tapi alasan yang dikasih sama orang lain juga penting kan? Kamu tidak hidup sendirian, *Dok*. ("kamu" yang ini bukan "kamu" yang ditulis di atas)

Just like what I did every year:

January: got dumped by him. Things got worse because I wanted to major nursing but "society" didn't let me. Indonesia doesn't appreciate nurses, right? It was extremely stressing. Clearly, 2011 wasn't made for me.

February: I can't remember anything special. I still made him some chocolates, though.

March: his birthday was one of my VERY few good moments in 2011. I made him a failed cake, though. But I went to his house and had lunch with him and his mom. Then my birthday, another good moment. He went out with me to Sency and bought me basically anything I asked. I don't care about that, though. Him, being with me on my birthday, giving me a kiss, was enough. It was the best birthday I've ever had in 17 years.

April: national exams, I guess? I failed math and got a pretty bad score for my chem.

May: I think this is when I went to cram school with him. I failed SNMPTN Undangan so I had to take SNMPTN Tertulis. And graduation! Or was it in June? I forgot.

June: PROM! And I got into psych. I clearly failed SNMPTN Tertulis in a way.

July: he got into med. :D

August: went to Unpad as a psych student. Things didn't go well, of course. Jatinangor sucks. It literally is a hell on earth.

September: my hair started to fall. (Not that it's important, but it's a pain in the ass because I need to sweep my floor like, five times in a day)

October: went to Surabaya for the first time! Seeing him always makes me happy. I went to Unair too. It was awesome. He IS awesome.

November: I skipped TPD to get alone at home in Bandung just because. I did meet Bhima, though, so I didn't lie. That night, I had one of the best conversations I've ever had with him. But lol TPD made me see... *things* in a bad way. Ha. (Honestly, just stop it. You guys make me sick.)

December: I. MET. AKSEL. AND. HIM. I finally made a pie! Oh God, how I wish to be with them again. I went to Singapore yesterday, btw.

And please, 2012. I lose faith in society, 2011 sucked the happiness out of me, so please, please, please, stop torturing me.

P.S. I wrote this several minutes before 12 so it's still January 1!